First off, I can't remember if I have mentioned this on here or not, but I have suffered from pretty severe anxiety my entire life. As a child, I was not aware of this and it mainly played out as me being a very, very overly cautious little girl who wanted everything to go her way. I don't mean this in a bratty way (okay sometimes..) but in a way that if plans suddenly came up to meet or hang out with people, I can remember hiding in my room and wanting to cry. Around the people I knew, I was one of the most outgoing, charismatic children ever. I loved being in the spotlight, so this was definitely out of character for me.
When I was 11, I was in a terrible car accident with my mom on my way to school. Our car slid off the side of an icy road and towards the freezing Minnesota waters. Thankfully, we ended up hitting a tree instead, unfortunately hard enough to total our car and wind up with me in the hospital getting 8 stitches beside my eye and in my hand. After this day, I spent the next 7-8 years having panic attacks while I was in any type of vehicle. For a long time, I would sit in the backseat with my hands over my ears, and rocking back and forth to try to keep myself calm.
While I was in high school, my anxiety from moving away from Eve, the only friend I had had in years, and trying to fit in to a new school unfortunately turned into a deadly mix of self harm/anorexia/bulimia/orthorexia. I was in cheerleading and, as much as this did wonders for my self confidence, I was also in a school with the tiniest people you can possibly imagine. I had always been a chubby kid and was very bullied about it, so by the time I was at this point in my life, I had been so bullied and harassed before that I pretty much hated myself. I would go without eating for days. When I did eat, I would use laxative or make myself throw up. During these times, I would also walk on the treadmill for up to 4 hours every night after being in cheerleading practice during the afternoon.
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| Me at 15, with my cat Mika, in the midst of my body issues. |
It wasn't until the summer I was 18 when I fully stopped starving myself. Me and Eve had finally gotten into contact again the previous year and I was visiting her in Minnesota for the 2nd time that year. It was then that I told her I was gay and that I had had a major crush on her since we met. Over time, Eve realized she had felt the same way and we decided to be together. She did tell me, however, that she wouldn't be with someone who hated themselves and who treated their body the way I treated mine. In a quick desperation of wanting to go out with her, I stopped my eating disorder behaviors cold turkey. Don't ask me how, because I still have no idea how I did this so easily. Although, I never really did "recover". I just didn't think about my eating disorder anymore. I had also been very sick that summer, so I was very thin anyways. This, I believe, is why my eating disorder came back in full force once I gained some weight back in college.
Later that same year in December, I got a job which I held for two weeks and ended up leaving because of severe depression and anxiety from being away from Eve while she was having a hard time in college, some other things going on in my personal life, and from my every day anxiety disorder. I decided it was best to go ahead and move to Minnesota to be with Eve and finish off my senior year of high school there.
Being back in Minnesota was like a breath of fresh air for me. It was my loving, cold, tundra-like home. However, once things settled down and Eve went back to college 40 minutes away from her home in Minnesota where I was staying, my depression and anxiety hit me full force. This came out in every way from sobbing, having panic attacks, controlling my relationship, and even abuse. Looking back on the months I spent treating Eve and everyone else around me so heartlessly, I am so ashamed. It's taken an entire year for me to be able to even speak about it. But I am slowly accepting myself for who I was then and how it's not who I am now or who I will be in the future.
This past spring, while I was in my Freshman year of college, I saw a counselor at my campus and was put on anxiety medication from my doctor. Things have been SO much better with my anxiety now. I still get panicky every now and then, but I can live. I can go for a walk outside alone. I can go on a road trip with minimal anxiety. It can be storming outside and you won't find me curled up with my ears covered, crying. I feel so free now.
Anyways, as you know from a previous post, I am again going through recovery from my eating disordered thoughts again, but it is going so well now. The other day was the first time in a long time I really broke down to Eve about it and what she told me made me feel so incredible and beautiful. She told me of how my love for all things mystical, for tea, music, yoga, meditation, candles, and rainy days made me who I am, not how I look, which she thinks is beautiful anyways. She told me that I remind her of a goddess on a tarot card (different story, which I will share later ;) ) who has so much strength and beauty as she walks in the world. Her words were the amazing words that my heart had been longing to hear for quite a while. It helped me tremendously and I have been feeling so high in self-esteem the past few days from it. I hope to hold onto this feeling for a long time to come and I hope to keep her words pressed on my heart for even longer.
I have made so much progress in my recovery and am now incorporating HIIT strength training and yoga into my daily routine. Not to compensate for anything this time mind you, but because I love seeing what my body can do and how strong it can be. Also I've been working on doing a handstand which is HUGE for me because with my anxiety and fear of not being completely in control, this never would have been imaginable for me, but I am making a lot of progress in it! So go me! ;) Anyways, sorry for the long post. I just felt it was much needed. I love you all and hope you have a blessed day! - Katelin
